It's The Science, Stupid
by Moonlighter
Summary: Long long ago, Magneto appeared in Attilan to announce the revelation that he was the biological father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. The morning after that fateful day, this story begins - and everyone wakes up in an extremely logical mood. (Warning for tongue planted very firmly in cheek.)


**It's The Science, Stupid**

* * *

Having been raised among one of the most widely persecuted minorities on the planet, having been born with an X-gene that endowed him with terrific and terrifying powers, having raven hair wind-bleached silver that shone in contrast to his tan skin like a beacon of different, different, different, Pietro Maximoff had grown accustomed to feeling awkward.

But now being a proud new father, being a responsible husband, being an upstanding citizen of the Great Refuge, being a commander in the Inhumans' esteemed militia, being the head of his family line, Pietro Maximoff was _not_ accustomed to feeling awkward in his own home, and this was unacceptable.

He awoke early and readied himself, paced the expanse of the living room, the gardens outside, the greater territories beyond (but not too far), checking in on Luna and on Crystal while they slumbered, he paced, remaining admirably calm with dreadful effort, until eventually -finally- one after another his family emerged from their rooms.

They convened in the living room without speaking, as if summoned there by some clandestine séance preordained.

Then, last of all, came Magneto. The congregation of those related by blood and marriage broke apart at his entrance, splitting into a V formation that might have welcomed him within, save that at the apex stood Pietro, arms crossed and feeling awkward under his own roof.

"There's coffee," Pietro said to this man, this visitor, his 'guest' now, who the day before had arrived uninvited to make some startling and remarkable and unwelcome claims: Magneto claimed to be the natural father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch.

"Thank you." There was still sleep in the Master of Magnetism's voice.

"And then please join us out here. I am going to address the household."

Magneto nodded, followed by Crystal into the kitchen, whose goodhearted nature compelled her to ensure that their houseguest be provided for. She helped him find the mugs, the spoons, the sugar. She returned with him to the living room, where Pietro yet stood surrounded by his sister seated beside her husband the Vision, his infant daughter in the android's arms, his wife taking her place on his other side, leaving Magneto alone standing opposite his own son so-proclaimed. Sipping his morning coffee. In Pietro's house. Uninvited.

"Have a-"

"Thank you," said Magneto, sitting down.

Pietro wasted no time. "Well. Yesterday was a complete disaster." His sister made a noise that he could not identify as laughter, exactly. "I accept full responsibility, for my part, and I apologize for any distress or over-reactions. Today will be different. We are going to have a rational discussion without raising our voices or pounding on each other." He rotated as he spoke, centering now on Magneto, his would-be father. "Magneto-"

"Please, call me Erik."

"Yes, fine. Erik... you came with quite the story to tell."

"Indeed."

"I mean-" Pietro pinched the spot between his eyes very briefly, "The more I think upon it, the more incredible it seems."

"Unbelievable, even," said Wanda. "Do not forget that your lost wife Magda was not the only woman heavy with child to happen upon Wundagore and give birth in the shadow of that mountain."

Pietro added, "At almost the exact same time."

"Yes." Magneto did not seem to regard this detail with much import. "I know of the other woman as well."

While the twins exchanged a thousand words with just their glance, Crystal took this opportunity to interject, "So, what are the chances though?" All eyes shifted her way. She shrugged. "I mean… it's pretty farfetched."

"I assure you, these facts I have shared with you are precisely as the cow-woman Bova relayed them to me."

"And we have no reason to suspect Bova would intentionally deceive us," said Pietro, earning the reproachful stare of his sister. "_Yet_," he said, gesturing with a hand to reassure her, "it is possible that she could be innocently mistaken. These things occurred several decades ago, after all."

"No, she remembered it all quite clearly – and she revealed the full truth, I made certain of that." Magneto sipped his coffee.

Pietro made a mental note to check in on Bova at the next earliest opportunity. "Nonetheless," he said, "there is no reason not to have this theory validated. Officially. Using science."

"Literally, zero reason not to," said Wanda.

"It would honestly be a little irresponsible not to." Crystal held her daughter now, who cooed from her lap. "This is Luna's heritage as well, her legacy – as it will be for Wanda's children, should she bear any. One uncorroborated account of an extremely outlandish incident from decades ago is-"

"Crystalia, thank you," though he struggled not to smile at his wife's gentle but escalating persistence, Pietro raised his hand in a bid for calm. "I think we are all in agreement."

"We are?" Magneto casually switched which knee his opposite ankle rested upon. The twins tensed out of instinct at the motion, remembering well the dangerous, violent, unpredictable man who had ruled them with iron fists in the Brotherhood. "How do you plan to corroborate her story when Bova is the only witness alive to recall it? Or are we to engage the High Evolutionary himself to resolve our family quarrels?"

"I would engage the Devil himself, if it were our only pathway to the truth," said Pietro darkly. Lighter, slower, with strain, "But, thankfully, we should not need to resort to any desperate measures; for the Great Refuge is rife with scientists who specialize in the study of genetics."

"It's true," Crystal did not look up from making animated faces for her daughter's amusement. "Eugenics is kind of a big deal here. Chances are we would bump into a geneticist on our way to breakfast without trying."

"We are not leaving this up to chance," Wanda stood. "Not again. We mistakenly thought Robert Frank was our father before, and compared to this impossible series of events, his story was mundane. A simple blood test would have revealed the truth, but he lived and died believing a lie that tormented him – we buried him and mourned him believing a lie that torments us still!"

"Wanda-"

"No. No! I'm not doing this again, Pietro, I cannot keep doing this, we-"

"Shh, Wanda…" At her side in an instant, the twins found silence and stilled in each other's embrace for a time. Over his sister's shoulder, Pietro said by way of an explanation, "Our- the man who raised us, Django, recently perished. We buried him in Transia near Bova's cottage."

"Ah, yes." Magneto watched out the window while this display of familial affection went on. "The man you thought to be slain in your youth. I had wondered if there might have been any other survivors among the clan that fostered you. No matter. I'm sorry for your loss."

"You can see why this subject is… sore for us, and carries great weight. There have been many upheavals already. It does not get any easier."

Magneto sniffed noncommittally. "I take your word for it."

Pietro's eyes narrowed. "So it must be a small enough thing, I hope, that you would comply willingly."

"Comply with what?"

Wanda spun about-face at once. Her brother rested his hands on her shoulders in a comforting gesture. "Subjecting to a simple blood test, as I just said."

Magneto visibly bristled. He set his coffee aside on an end table. "I did not come here to be poked with needles and scrutinized by these-"

"Oh they can use just a piece of hair." Crystal looked up smiling. "A paternity test isn't that complicated, by our standards. The medical technology here is more advanced that you'll find anywhere on Earth – and this really is our specialty."

"I… see."

"It seems only logical, Erik, that you yourself would desire to have this matter settled once and for all," spoke the Vision for the first time that morning. He had been observing the discussion with keen interest. "After all, you said you were unaware that your wife carried another child when you were separated from her. Perhaps she did not, at that time."

"How dare you imply-"

"She could have been _attacked_," said Wanda, knowing full well the dangers that faced a woman traveling in rural Europe even with a male escort – especially during those desperate and war-torn years. "By _anyone_."

"Or she could have even been remarried," was Crystal's suggestion. "Years and years could have passed since she left you, before-"

"Crystalia…"

"Uhm- sorry, since you were _parted_. I'm just saying; the timing of all these moving pieces is in the air a little."

"Which is also assuming these two women were in fact one and the same. Is Magda such an uncommon name in the region of her origin?" asked the Vision.

"Enough. Enough already. This is just circular speculation, and getting us nowhere." Pietro pinched that same spot between his eyes. "Wait here." Then he disappeared.

Wanda rubbed at a spot on her head that suddenly hurt, and took the chair next to her husband again.

There followed the most awkward attempt at small talk any participant had ever experienced, and the longest hour of all their lives combined. Then with a violent gust of air like the single cycle of a tornado, Pietro reappeared in the room's center, not out of breath in the least. Combing both hands through his wind-battered hair to tame it, he said, "I cannot bear to wait in that office one moment longer – but we should expect a call very soon."

"Did you-"

"Yes," Pietro interrupted. "If it proves needless, I will apologize for my trespass. If it proves worthwhile, I will accept your thanks for setting this straight."

"_Hey_," Wanda rubbed her head again, where she now realized her brother had plucked a hair from her scalp. "Why did you sample me as well? Our DNA has been analyzed, _repeatedly_ analyzed – we already know that we are siblings without doubt."

"Exactly – so your DNA and mine will serve as control specimens to verify the accuracy of the test." He looked towards Magneto, who glared back. "Because I have a feeling the qualifications of the Inhuman scientists here may become the next question du jour."

"A question of _ethics_, perhaps," Magneto grumbled, rubbing his head also in brief, although he had not felt anything when the speedster pilfered a strand.

A device like a telephone let out less than a single bell-tone when Pietro snatched the receiver off its docking unit in a blur. "Yes," he said, "Yes, so you have the results?"

Wanda bolted up to her feet again and hung at her brother's side like a purse. The rest of those seated leaned forward as half a conversation unfolded before them.

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well that much we knew already." Pietro winked at his sister. "Uh-huh. Uhm…. huh. All right. And of that there is no question? Are you certain? So you are positive? All right. Thank you, doctor. No no, that will be all. Yes, thank you. Thank you, bye now, we do have guests still. Bye."

"So, what? What are the results?" Wanda clawed at his shoulder for the answer that could change the rest of her life, shape her children's legacy, maybe even affect their very destiny in this world.

Pietro gestured with the receiver towards Magneto. "Turns out you are off the hook, so to speak." He hung up the phone.

"Oh!"

"_Whew_…"

"No." Magneto alone had not deflated in relief, after puffing up with anticipation. "No. It must be a mistake."

"Listen, I'm sure Bova is wonderful and completely well-meaning," said Crystal. "But if there's any mistake, it's been made on her end. Studying genetics is _what we do_ here."

"Perhaps someone deceived _Bova_ intentionally, to set _all_ _of us_ off in the wrong direction," Wanda offered.

"She could have been recalling implanted memories," the Vision agreed, adding a little like the way someone might on a game show, "Or it could have been an imposter!"

"Perhaps you were never there at all," said Pietro, still facing Magneto. He found it difficult to take his eyes off of the man, knowing his newborn daughter lay but feet away. If Magneto could not have his 'children' who he came here to claim, would he lash out at the family that bore him no relation? "You have made at least one devoted enemy to my knowledge who specializes in the craft of illusions and evildoing – yes?"

"Mastermind would not- that is, how… no."

"Magnet- Erik," Wanda came to kneel beside his chair, where he now sat leaning forward elbows to knees, wracked with disbelief. "I wish you would not… feel bad about this."

Sacrificing his more strategically advantageous position at a distance, Pietro suffered to come to his sister's side. "Yes, there is no need for that. You-" he cleared his throat. "You did the right thing by coming here, by telling us. We should thank you."

Wanda looked up at him appreciatively, reaching out to curl one hand around his. "Yes. For we know now, all of us know now, that there is some villainy at play."

The Vision stood, stroking his chin in contemplation. "Indeed. Someone, for some reason, has the means and the motivation to confuse and distress you – to break you apart and to wear you down by coercing you together, it would seem."

The twins shrunk a little, as any decent human being would when embarrassing another in their company. "A mystery for another time, my husband," said Wanda.

"I am a fool."

"You were deceived. As we all would have been."

"We probably already have been, probably since the beginning." Wanda stood. "Pietro, maybe Django and Marya-"

"A mystery for another time, my sister," said Pietro, and kissed the crown of her head.

"Well!" Crystal stood up, fussing baby in arm. "Our princess in training needs to eat." Towards Magneto she asked very invitingly, knowing the answer, "Would you stay for breakfast?"

"No. No. Thank you." Magneto rose. "I must be going. Thank you for the coffee."

"So, I suppose we will be seeing you – this is far from over, obviously. You can be found at Xavier's these days?"

"Yes. When I am not busy trying to take over the world." As a unit, the twins blinked with otherwise blank stares. Magneto finished, "That was a joke."

"Ah."

"Haha, of course."

"Well. Good day then."

Everyone stammered some form replies to bid farewell without much feeling behind it.

The door closed behind him and a sigh of relief reverberated throughout the room. Then slowly, surely, and gladly, life went on just as it should.

* * *

_**~fin~**_

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**NOTES:  
**At one point canonically, the Maximoffs came to believe the Whizzer and Miss America were their natural parents - the story goes that the Americans were touring Europe at the time, and happened upon the citadel at Wundagore where Madeline gave birth. She died in labor, and going mad with grief, Robert Frank fled the scene. When this all came to light, no one ordered a paternity test or anything (which probably didn't exist at the time in real life, I don't care to look it up) and just assumed it must be true. Years later, the twins came to find out another woman, Magda, also happened upon Bova's cottage days before the Franks did, and also pregnant, she gave birth there too. But Magda fled as well, to protect her babies from her husband who she feared would come looking for her. Turns out that Magda's children were the babies Bova presented to Robert Frank as his own (his actual child was stillborn). Learning this, the twins actually didn't know who their father was, and no more than the name of their mother - they were fostered by Django and Marya Maximoff since infancy, growing up believing them to be their natural parents. BUT THEN, Magneto happened upon Bova's cottage as well (this poor cow-woman's cottage is like the Bermuda Triangle of Transia, I swear) and intimidated (forced) her into revealing that Magda's children were named Pietro and Wanda. So Magneto revealed this truth to the twins - who accepted this new revelation as fact, again without ordering a paternity test for what by that time was their FOURTH biological father (and the second to be physically accessible to them at the time).  
Did I mention the story is written with tongue planted firmly in cheek? It's really, really in there. :) 


End file.
